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Brain Drain!

Just to warn all of my readers that sitting in front of the computer for several hours non-stop can lead to the severe syndrome which I call brain drain.

The symptoms are: exhaustion in your limbs, dryness of eyes, purposeless surfing of Internet, unstoppable clicking, dragging, scrolling, head tilting to one side.

Most common consequences are: numbness in body, slow reactions, nausea, flu, cold, indigestion and inertia of your brain. Your brain stops working properly, information is coming in with slower rate and most of it gets lost along the way, and your response to it becomes irrelevant and not audible. Your brain simply drains out!

Cure: throw the laptop away! Well, not to that extreme, but try to stand up at times and change your activity to something more engaging and attention grabbing for that moment, eg drawing, reading, chatting (real, not online!) to people via phone or face to face. Helps, tested on me, not animals.

Don’t let the computer suck all your brain out of you!

The biggest show-off in the world

Each nation has its own distinctive features. Americans are good show makers. Aren’t you already tired of them choosing their next president, who will only be there for mere 4 years? Only to make it a point to stay for the next term? And I do not think that either of the candidates has any difference. I think that politics do not act according to the high claims they shout right now, but from the benefits each situation gives them. After all, when you are that high on the top, will you bother to think or even consider what the masses somewhere way down there think or want you to change? Even the most masses-friendly leader is biased against the simple population. They lose their genuine connection and clear communication with the common people once they start climbing that ladder of power and politics.

We have all heard the tear-squeezing story of Obama’s upbringing and his father in Senegal. But with a white mother and the typical American Catholic background the first black president of America won’t be that black after all, will he?

We have all seen the shows of the wars against terror and other bullshit they might have found in their threat reports. I strongly believe that every country has its own way of developing, its own way of growing and coming into terms with modern world. It is an integral part of the global balance to allow one entity to follow its own necessities and plans, without any brutal interruption and violence against its people with loud and sell able statements to make those people live better and without any discrimination. If it costs to be forced to live in democratic country by killing its civilians and torturing its own leaders and heroes, I do not want to believe in equality or to vote anymore.

I find it irritating and annoying how every single small step of American history is broadcasted onto every human on Earth. It’s like a hub, which sends its unnecessary information to all workstations on the network, and they do not have any better choice but to receive it and choose to throw it or keep it. Most of people see America as an example to follow. No wonder suddenly the actors and performers are the most desired jobs right now among youngsters. Everyone wants to have his own 15 minutes of fame, by acting unnatural or flashing lingerie in public. The culture levels drop down drastically. Youth is drowning in pop-culture which makes all of them to look alike, behave alike and fit into the stereotypes and roles it has defined for you.

All in one, I hate hypocrisy and right now I can see America as one of the objects which practises it way too often. I just do hope that it learns from its mistakes and it will gradually change for better.

Life. Bare and it bites.

It has been a period of tough decisions and problems. Started out small grew huge. Thoughts circulating in head, without escape out of it.

The lessons learned out of it are to keep together even when the whole world is trying to tear you both apart, make a good face in a bad game, choose right words and phrases, tell people what you have done before they start questioning and inform as many people of the problem occurring as possible. Of course, when it comes to work ;)

I believe that it is one of the series of tests and obstacles sent to us from God (or Universe, depending on your religious views). And it tests on how tough and strong you are to overcome it, to withstand it and keep together. For now it’s hard to say whether we got out of there yet, but I can feel that we are learning and thinking a lot nowadays. But I tend not to believe every single criticism thrown at me or whoever. It takes a lot of differentiating from what is true and what is simple jealousy. As it is said, every joke has a piece of truth in it. So I just look at those truths and real facts in it. And try to improve it.

The real objective and goal in life would be improvement.

As we in Kz say “Century to live, Century to learn”.

Why I’m leaving

If I look back at my life, what has it been, what have I done, what have I left, I only feel like I have done only right things. Yes, I’ve been in so many troubles and done quite a number of mistakes and maybe silly decisions. But it all was a process of learning and it has created me as I am right now.

Here I want to explain why I have left some of events, people, situations behind, sometimes without proper explanations.

My first relationship with a guy whom I liked for quite a long time, with all the pink dreams and miracles of a first love. Unfortunately or fortunately, we have started dating only one month ahead of my leaving to Malaysia. Now I think that it has added some degree of spice and romanticism in all that. We were overwhelmed of how little time we had together and how the world will be for both of us without each other. Well, for me it didn’t turn out that bad. I was crying all my flight here, was messaging him every step I took, described every character or friend I met. Until one point of time when I realized that I don’t have energy for all that. That I’ve somehow grew up from that and felt detached from that person awaiting me there, over the borders. And I was afraid that he was already waiting the person he has created in his mind, not me real but me imaginary. There were still more than 3 years ahead of us, with long waiting and contemplating. This is when I started to disappear. At first I didn’t reply his e-mails. Then was replying his messages as short as I could. And once he has called me, sharing his fear that he was losing me. I almost said that yes, you are. I didn’t because I always care of that other person out there, who is listening. And I feel almost physically how his heart trembles and how his face looks, stroked with pain and discovery. So I spared the final talk to when I was back at my home, so I could cut the relationship face to face. I always believe it’s better to say things straight into face of the person you were in love with.

So I did it on the very first day of my arrival. Why did I leave? There was no point, honestly speaking, in continuing of the relationship. I was too young to limit myself to just one person in this life and too ambitious. Most importantly, I started forgetting him. There was some image of the person but it was already something that I’ve created in my mind and which did not match the reality. And I didn’t feel that strong to stick to that person and never let anyone else to appear in my mind. It’s just that point of time, when you realise that it’s not the One and Only.

Then there was my Microsoft thingy. Oh, how painful and struggling it was to go through the Microsoft Apprentice programme. It was thrilling, challenging, with concrete tasks and objectives. It has demanded so much of my concentration and input, that I thought it was going to be like that till the end. Turned out that only the selection part was good. The Microsoft Student Ambassador programme itself was quite disoriented. I got very disappointed. Disappointed in myself, disappointed in my teammates, frustrated of the problems we faced and just couldn’t resolve. When there are 2 people staring at you without understanding and who still want to go on with their plans without considering yours, you start thinking that maybe there’s something wrong with you. I tried to fit in there. But I was too big and with different standards, to be part of it. Even when I went for the Microsoft gatherings in KLCC, I didn’t feel like a part of it all. I felt like a rebel. The programme didn’t give me joy, didn’t give me feeling of satisfaction after events. I pulled out the events and was always there to help but only God knows how many hours have I spent thinking and paining over them.  Many might say that great leader will be leading even the hardest group of people. But then the leader has to believe in what he’s doing. When I didn’t. My senior told me that if I’m in this business only for the certificates and good recommendations, then I was in the wrong place. How right was he! Do only that you believe in, don’t even think of succeeding where you don’t see your interest.

At one moment, I almost left. And then my now ex-boyfriend misled me. He convinced me to stay because of “what others will say?” I was told that the reaction of those who didn’t make it through the Apprentice will be humongous and they will talk that I should have given the chance for them to participate there. So I followed. And suffered.

But eventually I left. After talking to my best friend and one of the closest person in my life, who has told me that if you’re suffering and doing something without joy and interest in it, then it’s better to quit, rather than bring down the programme and yourself. Now I feel free and much happier. There is no headache over sponsors, over killing deadlines and stubborn teammates. They are doing good from what I see and I’m glad for them. I hope they are doing what they like and I have no regrets.

Another story. There was a boyfriend of mine who has held me like an exotic bird in his cage of jealousy. He has shown me to his friends as a trophy. I was stupid enough and too much in love I guess to asses the situation wisely. The cage with me inside was left in the burning sun of his jealous eyes, in the pouring rain of my tears. We had fights and I was the one to step forward and smoothen things out. He had problems with college, well, I tried to help him, but he got on my head and stopped trying. He would tell me nasty things and then apologise, saying that he over reacted. And I forgave. Time after time. Without realising that the person who held me all the time was just a kid, not knowing what he wants and what he really is. Maybe he loved me. With the understanding of love that he has. And maybe I loved him too. But it was all gone by the time the exotic bird started to grow into something bigger, something much stronger and wiser. And the boy did not realise the change. He treated me the same way, with even more cruelty at times. One day the cage broke and let the tiger out.

Now the tiger is walking on the path of her life and enjoying the freedom, the music of life and the path itself. Where is the boy, she doesn’t know and doesn’t even want to think about it, as she left it behind. What passed is past and there is no turning back. I learned my lesson there and I hope he did as well.

There are times when you need to realise that person you are with right now or the situation you are in, needs radical change. And to change it, you have to leave. Leave in order to save that personality of yours, to keep your mind open, to enjoy your life again, not to lose yourself in events too painful to handle and too cruel to face.

Always be yourself and do only things you enjoy and always wanted to do.

Drama

Would have never thought it will happen today. Would have never thought I would meet the person again.

So surprising, so shocking, so all of a sudden.

Feel betrayed and feel that I’ve betrayed.

It’s like you are in the middle of the drama and you totally forgot the script. And the shooting group doesn’t seem to prompt you or give any hints on what to do, say next. And you are standing there in the middle of something. Not knowing how to call it, how to act. So you just try to hide. Smile and hide. Maybe I’m a bad actress. And all I feel immediately shows on my face. Maybe.

And you wonder, how do all those dramas go in the cinema? What they say, what they do? And your mind left blank. I didn’t seem to find the courage, the heart to talk, to ask. I felt like a coward, honestly. But I was just going on the road of less resistance.

I can’t describe my emotion right now. It’s something between sadness, shock, uncertainness and wonder.

She didn’t change much, I wonder did I change. Not fatter, not thinner. Not so brave as she looked away knowing I was there and it took my sister’s friendliness to call her. I would have never turned that side, but she did. Maybe it was good.

I don’t know. Let the time decide.

Colours of Life

The world doesn’t have black or white. It has various shades of various colors. Some of them are intense to attract people’s attention and let the fairer ones to conquer the background. And they are not even permanent. Each shade can change the intensity, tone, texture anytime, anywhere. What does it depend on? On how they reflect the light and absorb darkness.

As Einstein said, world is comprehensible and relative.

Miracles

Have you watched the Mr Mangorium’s Wonder Emporium? Well, you should! Not for the Natalie Portman or the special effects. These are just the additional features of the main idea – believe in miracles and they will come true.

I believe in miracles.

Miracles that happen to you every day, like breathing, like living the life you want, talking to people you want to talk to. And miracles that you won’t ever believe – people surviving lethal cases, people walking on the water, people levitating and talking to God.

Why it happens to them but not to us, what we call, normal people?

The biggest secret of life is in the idea. Humans are different from animals because they have ideas and most importantly – the power to make them true. I have read long before in one book – “If you want something, the whole Universe will be working on it for you to get it”. That time it seemed to be kind of heresy to me. How can a Universe know what do you want? We are such miserable parts of it that we don’t matter to her. But it turns out much simpler than it seems. We all are parts of the Universe. And not the smallest one! There are atoms, organic cells, protons, neutrons, and hell we are much bigger than them! We are a significant bricks on which stands the Universe. And if any of the bricks is determined to reach something, then it’s the Universe which helps it to reach out there.

When we were kids, we had all those superstitions – tooth fairy, birthday cake candles, falling stars – which were supposed to help our dreams come true. Now we all are so grown up and skeptical. But have you actually believed in it? Really believed, without any shade of doubt, with strong belief that you can get it, can reach there? If you did, then congratulations, you are on the way to achieving your dreams!

There are some guidelines to make your dreams come true.

1. Decide what you REALLY want. Something that will make you happy but not others. Something that is not supposed to make others jealous but supposed to make you feel content. You have to imagine this thing (either it is a car, a house, a girlfriend) in every detail, feel how it smells, how it feels, how does it look like. Close your eyes and fantasise that you already have it, that you are holding it in your hands and what you are doing with it. Enjoy each and every second.

2. Ask Universe to give it to you. Imagine you are sending the image of the thing you want to her so she could look at it and give it for Christmas. Set some deadlines. But don’t be too rushy. Everything comes in its proper time.

3. Let it go. Don’t hold to it, just send it out. Wait for the Universe to send it to you. Eventually it will, just be patient and look around for any signs or ideas on how to obtain your desire. Maybe it’s already there but you’re too fixed on your wishing that you can’t see it in front of your eyes?

4. Receive it. As I said before, be alert and don’t miss out the smallest signs of your wish becoming true!

Positive ideas and thoughts are thousand times more powerful than negative ones. Or else our world would have already be drowning in the dirt, criminality and violence. So think positive! Because even if a person wishes for something negative, be sure it will come true as precisely as positive wish!

There is another most important guideline – change your thinking. Instead of wishing “not to get ill”, wish to be healthy. Universe does not accept the words “not”, “no”, “doesn’t”, “against”, “anti”. It hears “to get ill”. So do you really want to be healthy or ill?

If you are against terrorism, then be pro-peace. If you don’t like rain, wish for the sun.

Keep on wishing and believe that it will come true! Just keep on believing!!!

New Favourite Toy!

First of all – I finally got the phone with a camera and mp3 player!

Quite sad, but true, all my previous phones were very simple and easy. No camera, no memory stick, mp3 player – oh, they exist in the phones? But now I can enjoy all the technologies :)

It’s SE K770i. The one we bought for our mom and I ended up falling in love with it. Completely! I think I even had a dream about it. And now I am a proud owner of one of them – chocolate in color, with 2GB memory, cute and adorable original speakers. So cooool!

Currently I am not with my baby laptop so can’t upload the loads of pictures I have already taken. But I will if I remember visiting this page at home :)

Communism = Religion?

Today did a bit of research on the world’s independent and not really common religions – Zoroastrianism and Baha’ism.

Well, Zoroastr turned out to be something like what we were told in school – everything started with Zoroaster, who believed in one God, and used fire in rituals. We still have the remainders of that religion in our Kazakh culture – we burn some special dried grass over heads of kids if we think that evil eye has disturbed them.

But Baha’ism was quite a new thing for me. I have never heard about this religion until recently, when I got to know that the person I thought was Muslim is Baha’i. The religion has started with Shi’a Islam but then was introduced to world as a non-Muslim religion. It practices the 12 principles, some of which are Unity of God, Unity of mankind, Unity of religion, Equality of genders. Sounds good huh. And then I read further – universal compulsory education, universal language. And it somehow resembled communism or socialism to me. Something like what we had in USSR. Everyone to be educated, everyone to speak one language and everyone to believe in only one set of rules and to be treated equally, regardless of gender, race and descendants.

And it sounds so awkward in the same time – communism does not allow any religion to be in place. But in the same time, if you think carefully, you realise that actually communism by itself can be a religion. I believe there always will be that superior person at the top of the country, which practices communism. Without strong leader people do not seem to act in order and to obey the rules. They have to have that punishing power to keep them equal.

I believe that all of us have equal rights, but not equal opportunities. And some people can’t have those rights at all, as it might harm others (e.g. criminals or psychos who threaten lifes of others). And I don’t think that people have to speak one and only language. It is just wrong. Because language has that authentic cultural flavour in it and if person does not speak the language of his race then he’s simply losing his roots, his own past. And that’s the beauty of the mankind – everyone having their own cultures to share, to learn, to be thrilled by.

But of course, education point is very understandable to me. Education is the way for the person to excell in future. It gives you the tools to operate your life, the understanding of the world beyond your doorstep, to learn the world critically. Some people do drop out from schools and unis, but I’m sure they’ve regretted about that, though they would never admit.